Four years ago my heart was shattered into a million pieces as our first baby miscarried at 11 weeks. I held our tiny baby in the palm of my hand and wept alongside my heartbroken husband. The loss was tremendous. The depth of pain is incomprehensible to anyone who has not lost a child. With great pain my womb was opened, my eyes were opened, and my heart was opened deeper than I could imagine. I was permanently sensitized to the miraculous and precious value of life. This tragic event brought the completion of a 180 degree perspective turnaround in my mind and heart.
Growing up I was never interested in babies or even playing with children younger than me. Numerous times I had told adults around me that I didn’t want to ever have kids.
I viewed children as a burden.
I wanted to travel and have fun and didn’t want anything to tie me down.
I clearly remember my mother warning me, a promiscuous teen, that I would end up pregnant. My reply was nothing short of what mid 90’s, anti-God, junior high culture had taught me, “I’ll just have an abortion.” I went to the free clinic and got on birth control pills at age 15 without my parents knowledge. The clinic loaded me up with condoms, spermicide, a diaphragm and instructions for “safe sex”. My uneducated brain seriously thought there was nothing wrong with abortion and I could just “kill it” if I got pregnant.
Then one day I found a booklet… lying somewhere in public or at school. It contained facts about abortion. When I unfolded the booklet I saw the graphic visual of a near full term sized baby, bloody, mutilated, lying on a ripped open garbage bag having been taken out of the trash behind an abortion clinic. My eyes couldn’t believe this image. It was the most gruesome thing I had ever seen. It explained that the butt cheeks had been sliced off so the baby would bleed to death. I knew I really shouldn’t be looking at this booklet. I figured if an adult saw I had it they would take it away. I hid the booklet in my school binder and looked at it many times over the years. I wish I still had it because it was so profoundly sobering. I knew I never wanted to have an abortion. EVER.
I was deeply disturbed by the reality of what abortion really was… It wasn’t just a word to me anymore.
Abortion was a terrible way for a baby to be killed.
My journey from pro-choice to pro-life involved many changes in my heart and thinking. I accepted the reality that my childhood was exceptionally dysfunctional. I figured because I had been subjected to physical and sexual abuse and had no clue what healthy parenting looked like that I had no business raising children.
I didn’t want to screw up my own kids so I completely rejected the idea of becoming a parent.
I held on to this childless ideal until my life changed dramatically at age 27. I had an easy and fun job, was a personal trainer, had almost 3 college degrees, had travelled to Australia, Hawaii, Mexico, and all over the western US.
I was miserable.
My life seemed empty and void of real depth or purpose.
My marriage of 5 years was hanging by a thread.
A friend told me about a four day workshop called HeartChange. I had nothing to lose, my husband and I both attended. During the workshop I discovered numerous lies I had believed and had been operating out of for years.
One lie I believed was that children were a burden.
Growing up, I felt like I was a burden to my parents. The truth I learned was, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Psalm 127:3. Children are intended to be a blessing and it was up to me to change my perspective and be open to receive His gifts.
Another lie I believed was that I was worthless, and disgusting because of all the abuse I endured. The truth is that I was created in the image of God and He formed my inward parts, He knit me together in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In His book were written, everyday of my life! If I would count all the thoughts that God thinks about me, they are more than the sand of the ocean! Paraphrase from Psalm 139.
I also learned that He has a plan for my life, my life has a purpose: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” — Jeremiah 29:11 There were many more lies that were revealed over the course of the workshop. The truths of Gods word healed my heart, mind and soul in deep and permanent ways.
After the HeartChange workshop and two follow up workshops I was a renewed person. My mind was refreshed, my heart was whole and tender and my eyes were bright with hope, peace and joy. Our marriage was restored and strengthened. We renewed our vows and began thinking about having children. I finally felt whole enough to consider raising a child. I was excited and hopeful that I wouldn’t screw up my kids. I had peace knowing that God would help me through the Holy Spirit to be a parent. We were also blessed with the support of genuine, loving Christian friends.
The second month we tried to conceive a baby we were successful. We were both excited and I told everyone I knew at just 4 weeks along. Around 8 weeks my concerns developed as I began to have some spotting. My back was also painful, like a strain that wouldn’t go away.
We went to another workshop called Hearts Overflowing. I shared that my back was hurting. At one point a woman can up to pray for me. She put her hand on my belly, looked me directly and compassionately in the eye, and said, “God wants you to know, ‘He is mine’ ”
My back stopped hurting.
I didn’t know what that meant at the time. I thought it was sweet of her to pray for my baby to belong to God.
I now believe in my heart that is when our baby passed away.
His spirit went to be with Jesus.
When I had my miscarriage I realized a baby is the most pure, innocent, and precious of all God’s creation. My hope, my future, my joy was resting motionless in the palm of my hand. I had no idea if I could get pregnant again. I wondered if something was wrong with me. I considered a hundred things I could have done wrong to cause the miscarriage. Waiting in the unknown time was tumultuous and shook my faith in God.
I wasn’t even close to healed from losing our baby when we conceived again. I had mixed feelings of excitement, fear, sadness and hope. Would this baby also miscarry? Could I possibly avoid accidentally doing anything wrong to harm the baby? Would the baby be born alive at full term?
Praise be to God our baby survived pregnancy. She was born healthy at our home in a birthing pool on September 14th, 2011. After I gave birth to her I lifted her up out of the water and fell in love. After 40 weeks and 4 days of pregnancy, looking into the face of my own newborn baby was the most satisfying, fulfilling, rewarding experience of my life. This time, I wept tears of joy alongside my husband as we embraced new life, our gift from God. Our reward.
How can any mother decide she would rather have her baby killed than give birth? What drives women to believe that abortion is their best choice?
Lies. Lies. Lies. That’s what.
The truth is:
Abortion is never the best choice.
Abortion is never the only choice.
Abortion is not the solution.
Abortion is child sacrifice. Sacrifice to the idols of comfort, convenience, career, education, boyfriend, husband, self image… The list goes on and on. Anything that is viewed more important than allowing the child to be born and have their own life is an idol of worship that the mother’s life revolves around.
Is spending 40 weeks pregnant really more difficult than murdering a baby?
How can I encourage women to choose life?
Education. Truth. Love. That’s how.
What’s the opposite of love for women and love for babies? Is it hate?
We are not called to live comfortably and stand by while our neighbors are led to the slaughter. Educate yourselves. Get to work by giving your time, talent and treasure to the abolition of abortion. Spread the word. Do everything you can to save lives.
The day is coming…
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Then he will say to those on his left, Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” Mark 25:31-46
You have lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence. You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous person. James 5:5-6